I’ve been sitting on this drawing for a few days now, debating on whether or not I show it. After talking to some friends about it I decided to do it. I think it’s important to be able to openly express how you are feeling. Specially when those feelings are not too colorful.

It’s no secret that I have been struggling with a lot of emotions in the past year. Sometimes it hasn’t been easy to find a reason to get out of bed every morning. There are days when I wish I wasn’t here anymore and there are days less difficult. Finding a reason to smile or to be cheerful gets harder every day. But, it doesn’t mean there are no reasons.

There are days when the only reason I get up from bed is because I have to feed Aleister. She’s a cat and wants that food bowl full everyday at 530 am. When you’re dealing with depression it’s easy to lose focus of what matters. And we can spiral out of control, down a staircase of doom and gloomy thoughts.

A few days ago I saw a post about loneliness, specifically about male loneliness. It told the story of someone expressing how he hadn’t been hugged, nor touched in months. Not a single bit of affection, in months and how he laughed while expressing this. I read comment that got my attention, said “this sort of things doesn’t affect men like you would think it does”. It got to me, because it does affect us.

We (men) are thought since very little to suppress our feelings, that affection of any kind is not manly enough. “You take them feelings and you put them away” and don’t talk or express them, that doing so is weak. Creating an environment that is not conducive to sharing our feelings and thoughts. That any display of affection, whether romantic or platonic is something that men don’t do. Well, let me tell you something. Remember the things I mentioned a few sentences back about not being hugged and held with affection? It does affect us and thinking otherwise is damaging.

This lifestyle of home, work, sleep, rinse and repeat to survive, alone is devastating. Not feeling loved is a horrible feeling. This past year has been the loneliest I’ve ever felt, and it has taken a toll on me. I haven’t been as productive as usual. I’ve neglected myself on occasions and not taken care of myself properly. When someone says that men are not affected the same it legit triggers me. Because holy shit it does, it really does and it sucks that some people don’t think it does. It is a kind of loneliness that will take you down a road full of dark thoughts of desperation. I know, because I’ve been there.

This is not an easy thing to do, expressing your thoughts and feelings is not a walk in the park. But, I promise you it will help you feel better. It will take some time and hard work on your part, but it will help you get better, feel better. Learning how to communicate and channel your feelings is an invaluable tool in life.

Now before I let you go, if you or anyone you know is struggling with suicidal ideations reach out. Help is available. Dial 988 on your phone, It’s available 24 hrs.

Take care of yourself.

Elias “Gambit” Melendez